Further Cutbacks

TO: All employees
FROM: Company management

This has been a tough, emotional day for all of us here at the company -- especially for the nine percent of you who, as of this morning, are officially "on the History Channel," as the kids say. We'd really hoped to avoid layoffs, but the bailout check still hasn't cleared for some reason, and we just can't spend money we don't have, according to some new regulation. Along with the staff downsizing, we regrettably announce the following further cutbacks:

* In order to contain shipping costs, all overnight deliveries now will go out once a week, on Thursdays.

* We are suspending our Workplace Sensitivity Training program. It will replaced by a simple chart that highlights where not to touch other employees.

* For corporate accounting purposes, a "billion" will now be eight hundred fifty million.

* To lighten the mood in the office, we will continue to hold our annual holiday party for disgruntled employees, but this year it will be "bring your own weapon."

* Effective January 1, company-paid health insurance will cover only one child per family, so for many of you, it's decision time.

* In an effort to reduce payroll costs, we have begun merging several job functions. When you have a chance, stop by and say hello to Herb Miller, our new "janiccountant."

* Due to rising raw materials costs, we are scaling back the size of our industrial hydraulic lifts and will market the smaller models as "Bite Size!"

* Vacation days still may be applied to time served in prison but only if the sentence is company-related.

* In the cafeteria, Special K and Total breakfast cereals will no longer be available. They will be replaced by Regular K and Partial.

* Friday foot massages will be self-service.

* The foosball table in the employee lounge will be removed, chopped up, and used for firewood.

* Do you like your desk or your chair? Is there a co-worker you've secretly had a crush on? Make us an offer!

* The free Starbucks service in the kitchenette will be removed on February 5. After this date, if you need a little pick-me-up to stay alert during the workday, Sheila in human resources has volunteered to staple your hand. The service will remain free.

* Remember: we are all salespeople! Please alert management if you are able to sell the company.