High School Nicknames Throughout History

The classic, one more time:

Jesus
“J.C.,” “Jeez”

Sampson
“Sam-bone”

William the Conqueror
“Conks,” “Conky”

Nero
“Neroid”

Henry VIII
“8-ball,” “8-dog,” “Hank”

Claude Monet
“C-Money”

Pope Pius III
“Pie-eye,” “Threepeat”

Oedipus
"Fast Oeddy," "Octopussy"

Marco Polo
"Marky Mark," "Water"

Confucius
"Connie," "Luscious," "Con-fuc-u-ous"

Ferdinand Magellan
"F-Mag," “Ja-Mellon”

Fyodor Dostoevsky
“Dusty,” “Skeezer”

Franz Kafka
“Vitamin K”

Nikola Tesla
“Testes”

Emperor Hirohito
“Hitman”

Mohandas Gandhi
“Mogus”

Queen Elizabeth I
"La Liz," "Her Heinie"

Charlemagne
"Chip," "Charlie McCarthy"

Euclid
"Ukee," 'Urkel"

Karl Marx
"The Mailman"

Louis Pasteur
“Germbo,” “Milkman,” “Big Lou”

Julius Caesar
"Jujubee," "Salad,"

Johannes Gutenberg
"Typo," "Jojo," "Steve"

Martin Luther
"The King," "El Protesto"

Chiang Kai-Sheck
“Kaiser,” “Shecky”

Alexander the Great
"A-Rod”

The Adventures of Boswell and Johnson

The Monolog-o-tron

Sure, TV comedy writers should be paid what they deserve, for all the ways their work is used on the Internet and in other new media. In a perfect world, robotic online replacements like this for cranking out late-night TV talk show monologues might not be necessary. But as long as the writers are on strike, the Monolog-o-tron will have to suffice. Just use the handy pull-down menus to build your own late-night monologue:

1) Dennis Kucinich is at it again. Yesterday he claimed he saw a UFO Bill Clinton A-Rod an illegal alien Larry King hovering over Mitt Romney. Hillary. Britney Spears' children. Larry Craig's restroom stall. Anderson Cooper.

2) It was a grim day of violence and civilian casualties in Iraq. Afghanistan. Myanmar. the Middle East. Or as they call it in Baghdad Kabul California, Wednesday. Election Day. opening day in the NBA. the start of the holiday shopping season. hunting with Dick Cheney.

3) Scientists say they have discovered a way to eradicate obesity. wildfires. erectile dysfunction. healthcare. patients. Unfortunately, the solution might never catch on because it would require Americans to give up their children's Halloween candy. O.J. Simpson memorabilia. babies stolen from Chad.

4) With imported oil nearing $100 a barrel, California Governor Schwarzenegger has suggested that the state's residents switch to heating their homes with a resource more plentiful in California, electric cars.designer steroids. celebrity mugshots.the oil that bodybuilders rub on for pose-downs.fire.

5) Apparently several key passages have been censored from the new book by Valerie Plame. the latest bin Laden video. highlights of Katie Holmes' marathon run. According to insiders who saw the complete version, Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore is gay.

cross-posted at 236.com